Treat or Refer?
Practical advice for ministering to emotionally and spiritually wounded group members.
| posted 1/30/2008
| Topics: | Difficult people, Empathy, Group dynamics, Neediness |
| Filters: | Counseling groups, Group Leader, New leader, Support groups, Train |
| Purpose: | Discipleship |
| References: |  |
| Date Added: | January 30, 2008 |
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I have spent the last 14 years serving as a chaplain or in some form of pastoral ministry in the local church. During that time, I have taught and trained literally hundreds of small-group leaders on the subject of Christian care and counseling. My advice is usually to love people until it hurts, perhaps love them some more, and make sure they are getting help somewhere in addition to the small group. Throughout my training and education, I was taught one rule: refer, refer, refer. I am not a licensed counselor, and I should not try to be one. I let the experts handle the hard stuff.
Advice for PastorsIf you are a pastor in a church, then you know your time can get eaten away doing nothing but counseling. And there may be necessary seasons of that. However, I do not advise entering into a long-term counseling situation with parishioners (keeping in mind that mentoring and discipling are different than counseling).
Instead, I tend to stick with a three-session rule. If someone comes to me and we determine that some amount of counseling will be helpful—or if someone continues to schedule meetings with me and we end up discussing the same issue(s) over and over—I will only meet with that individual three times before I assist him or her into a more structured setting, such as a support and recovery group or meeting with a licensed counselor. Wherever I live, I keep the names of a few counselors and resources that I have pre-screened, and to which I feel comfortable referring.Â
Advice for Small-Group LeadersIssues like death, divorce, addiction, sexual sin, depression, job loss, and so on can all be dealt with at some level within a small group. However, the weightier issues of life—those that will take longer periods to heal and those that are more deeply rooted in a person's past—will ultimately need a pastor, coach, and/or counselor to get involved.
If you are a small-group leader, I advise you to be careful about counseling your group members. "Doing life together," "living in community," or whatever phraseology you use to describe small-group life is not the same as professional counseling. But that doesn't mean you need to cut a wounded person out of your life, or out of the life of the group. A listening ear is good medicine for every soul, and the greatest thing you can do for your wounded group members is to love them, be with them, and go with them—literally and figuratively—through the counseling and healing process.
Indeed, anyone struggling with issues, regardless of the problem, needs a loving community that will accept them as they are and love them through the process of healing. Validation, prayer, and accountability are essential for growth and healing. When everything in life is turned upside down, people need an anchor to keep them stable. A caring and compassionate group of friends can provide that anchor.
I also advise small-group leaders not to attempt any kind of medical diagnoses with their group members. Never tell them they need medications or medical treatments. Remember: refer, refer, refer. A group leader's job is to provide a safe environment for all small-group members.
Practical ApplicationsAt times, one person's needs may sidetrack an entire meeting. However, this should be rare, not regular. You as the leader must establish healthy boundaries for your entire group within which they can have their needs met. If you allow the pastoral care needs of one or two persons to sidetrack the meetings, then you have neglected the rest of the group.
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