Listening Repaired
Wisdom from the Book of Proverbs that can help you listen well
| posted 10/01/2007
| Topics: | Communication, Connecting, Dialogue, Interpersonal skills, Listening, Patience |
| Filters: | Coach, Leader, New leader, Train |
| Purpose: | Ministry |
| References: |  |
| Date Added: | October 01, 2007 |
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Jane called just as I was walking out the front door. Juggling my bag, Bible, and car keys, I answered the phone. "Hi," she said. "Have you got a minute?" I said I did, because I had told the members of my Bible study to call me anytime.
Jane was upset because her best friend, Sarah, had decided to leave the church. I knew Sarah's move stemmed from a ministry opportunity elsewhere. So instead of empathizing with her disappointment, I insisted Jane should feel glad for her friend. Then I interrupted her to tell her I had to leave.
Afterward, I felt vaguely uneasy. I had been studying Proverbs, and many of the passages I'd looked at had to do with listening and careless speech. God had been convicting me about how poorly I sometimes chose my words—as I realized I'd just done with Jane.
In response to his nudging, I purposefully began to restrain my tongue. Over time, a strange thing happened. I noticed new depth in my friendships. My husband shared deeper feelings with me. My friends sensed a real change in the way I related to them. As I listened, I gained a better understanding of their fears and joys, and my heart opened to them more deeply than before.
Proverbs helped me identify some common listening difficulties and gave me a better understanding of how listening strengthens our friendships.
An Understanding Ear"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions" (Proverbs 18:2). When our friends share problems or hurts, it's easy to believe the best response is immediate advice or counsel. Quick answers, however, sometimes do more harm than good, and often don't lead to a better understanding.
Psychologists have studied how the responses of people in everyday conversations lead to meaningful communication. Or not. Evaluating—that is, approving, disapproving, or judging what others share—is the most common response. Most of us have an overwhelming tendency to offer our opinions.
Evaluation, unfortunately, creates a barrier in relationships. It puts us in a place of authority apart from those we want to befriend, rather than alongside them. When I told Jane how she should feel, I judged her sadness as wrong. She needed an understanding ear, but I gave her an evaluation.
We Interrupt This Broadcast …"He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame" (Proverbs 18:13). We may also fail to listen to our friends because we're too preoccupied to hear what they're saying. Not listening carefully becomes a way of life when we're perpetually distracted. It takes time to listen.
We must make a conscious effort to slow down and listen intentionally. Do we interrupt? Do we think about what we want to say instead of listening? If so, we must apologize and re-focus on the person speaking: "I'm sorry. I just interrupted you. Please go ahead."
Florence Littauer tells about one woman's strategy for listening to her daughter. Barbara, a talkative woman, brews a pot of coffee and grabs a banana when her quiet daughter has something to talk about. She sits down with her daughter, sips coffee, and listens. If she feels the urge to interrupt, offer advice, or express an opinion, she takes a bite of the banana.
Ask God to show you anyone in your life you tend to answer before listening. Then consider what practical changes you might make to listen better.
The Healing Touch"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Proverbs 12:18). We easily identify reckless drivers, but how often do we notice reckless speech—particularly our own? Without a keen ear, we risk injuring others with wrong responses.
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